I wish my family didn’t know about my social networking whereabouts. I wish I had some privacy. It’s like, I can’t talk about my feelings without having them wanting to support me or comment about them. Signing in to this blog makes me feel happy because on this blog I know absolutely no one. I love that. I love that no one can really judge me because they don’t particularly know me or what I’ve been through.
I started talking to the boy of my dreams again. This happened a while ago actually, but I just want to jot this all down. By again I mean, we stopped talking in October and started talking again a few weeks ago. I made the first move this time unlike other times. Everything was going good, we even kissed a few times and saw each other at 4 in the morning once. That was before, and then this week happened. I told myself, I wouldn’t let anything get in the way of me being with him and being happy. I’m starting to make connections with the past. Back in October, the week after we kissed, our friendship started to become distant and I just got all weird. Same thing happened this time. We kissed for the first time again last week and this week I’m acting all weird again. Maybe I’m just being really skeptical, maybe not. He’s been a ting weird too. He stopped trying to keep up a conversation, maybe it’s because he’s done trying and I’m not trying hard enough. Or maybe it’s something else. I don’t want to push him away again. I really don’t know what to do. I can’t even look at him anymore. I just feel the need to hide from him and not talk to him for a while because I think I lost myself again. I think whenever I act like this I have lost myself. I want to find myself and be able to be myself around him. I feel like, the person I am right now, isn’t the person I want to be. I don’t want to be distant from Kevin. I don’t want to be awkward around him. I don’t want to be mad at the world. I don’t want to feel insecure about anything. I want to feel like myself. I want to find myself again. How do I do that without letting him go? I feel like if I let him go that’ll mean I’m letting myself go as well, but I don’t know where I’ll be because I don’t even know where I am right now. I feel boring when I talk to him. I feel like I bore him. What did I do wrong? Why do I feel this way?